


where we existed, we invested all our time (just to witness the bitter side of life)

by asphxdels



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mentions of alcoholism, NO ONE GETS A HUG, Post-Break Up, Single Dad Tony Stark, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony is sober, inspired by Grey's Anatomy S12 E15-16
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24071314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asphxdels/pseuds/asphxdels
Summary: “It was selfish and it won’t ever happen again.”“I know it won’t.”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49
Collections: Bucky Barnes Bingo 2020





	where we existed, we invested all our time (just to witness the bitter side of life)

**Author's Note:**

> Beta-ed by lovely andathousandyearsmore <3
> 
> Ahem. I write angst. Angst is what I write. When I watched that episode of that tv series, I just couldn't resist.
> 
> BBB:  
> Title: where we existed, we invested all our time (just to witness the bitter side of life)  
> Collaborator: Shra  
> Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24071314  
> Square filled: K2 - Regrets  
> Pairing: Bucky/Tony, Winteriron  
> Rating: Gen  
> Major Tags: Hurt No Comfort, Angst, Break Up  
> Word Count: 1223
> 
> SBB:  
> Title: where we existed, we invested all our time (just to witness the bitter side of life)  
> Collaborator Name: Shra  
> Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24071314  
> Square Filled: I1 - "You look tired."  
> Ship/Main Pairing: Bucky/Tony, Winteriron  
> Rating: Gen  
> Major Tags & Triggers: Angst, Break Up, Hurt No Comfort  
> Summary:  
> “It was selfish and it won’t ever happen again.”
> 
> “I know it won’t.”  
> Word Count: 1223

Never in a million years would Bucky Barnes think that a failed birthday celebration attempt would leave such a persistent and ugly aftertaste in his mouth. Rationally, he knew that Tony avoiding him and ignoring his calls had nothing to do with his actual birthday and that he screwed up big time. Looking at the crimson red roses in his hands that smelled of regrets and long expired apologies, he prayed that the man behind the door he stood in front of would be willing to look past his mistakes one more time.

Without counting the disaster that was last week, Bucky thrived in the beautiful and promising moments Tony and he shared. He desperately clung on the sweet nothings that were whispered between soft kisses, the comforting touches on here and there whenever one of them felt near falling off of the metaphorical cliff in their minds. The banter and the flirty jokes that made a language only they spoke flourished with meaningful stares across the room and small smiles tugging at the corners of their mouths upon eye contact. 

Bucky deliberately ignored the ups and downs of their relationship, the banters that begun to sound all too real to the ear every now and then. The guilty need to run to the other way whenever a challenge arose. A challenge that needed to be shouldered together and not on their own. 

Bucky acknowledged that sometimes they made a good team. And sometimes, they didn’t. But he loved what they had, loved Tony nonetheless, and he had to cling onto the belief that Tony loved him back all the same.

“Hey.”

Cornering Tony at the doors of his own house with the kids around him preventing him to lash out or run away was selfish, Bucky knew. That didn’t change the fact that he needed the second chance. As Tony ushered Peter and Harley with promises of having ice cream after dinner, Bucky felt relief wash over him, having granted the chance to redeem himself of his missteps to the man he loved.

“Hey yourself.”

A small smile plastered on his tired face and hand in his jeans’ pockets, Tony made no attempt to take flowers that were clearly meant for him. Bucky mentally slapped himself for the half-baked gesture. Too much, too soon.

_You look tired._

Bucky couldn’t find his words as Tony stood on the doormat, worn MIT hoodie he wore and unstyled hair indicating that he had taken the day off, probably to spend his time with the kids.

He offered a small smile himself, the roses left to hang off of his metal hand’s grip and face the pavement as the futile apologies they were.

_All I want is to have you in my arms, want to breathe you in, and never let go even if I drown._

“I just wanted to see you…” Bucky trailed off, not knowing how to begin. “I know you might not want to see me right now, but just hear me out for a minute, I will leave after that if you want me to.”

Tony’s barely visible nod and deafening silence told Bucky how damn lucky he was to hear Tony’s endless rants, words never failing to fill the void even for a second for the man to breathe, hands always moving in the air, always demonstrating an idea. Tony’s stillness, unwilling to share a piece of his brilliant mind, was the real punishment.

“About the other night… I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you, Tony, I swear to God I would never hurt you!”

_I would drown and burn a hundred times just to see you smile right now._

“I know.” Bucky thought the tiny smile reached Tony’s honey-brown eyes for a second, but it was gone before he knew it.

“Rumlow said some things to me at work and all day was hell, I even forgot my own birthday.” _And that we were supposed to celebrate together,_ went unsaid.

“I just had a couple of beers. Maybe more than a couple. I don’t know, I was so thoughtless and I couldn’t think. I’m so sorry, Tony, I wouldn’t want you to see me like that. I promise you it won’t happen again.” Bucky heard the desperation seeping into his voice but he couldn’t stop it, couldn’t help but pray Tony would see the sincerity of his words and the truth in his promise.

“I know. I know…” Those two words were the only ones Bucky heard from Tony since the beginning of his apology, yet every time he said them it was like he was meaning a whole different thing. Bucky couldn’t, wouldn’t go after the meaning. Even thinking about the barest hint of the implication made Bucky’s knees go weak and suddenly he couldn’t breathe.

“Listen, I just got sober again. Then found myself handing my drunk boyfriend his birthday gift. It was…” 

_Hesitating doesn’t suit you._

Tony was looking to the pavement now, brows furrowed. His eyes were tracing the cracks in here and there on the paving, searching for an answer, for something to say, for words to unravel themselves so he could finally be free. Free them both.

“It was selfish and it won’t ever happen again.”

“I know it won’t.”

Tony took a deep breath. Bucky barely held back the urge to reassure him that everything will be fine, that they would be able to go back to that comfortable familiarity again. 

With every second passed, every inhale and exhale took a part away from Bucky’s fragile hope. He couldn’t look at the pained expression on Tony’s face as he visibly struggled to find his words, which would be a sight to see if it was in any other context really, so he closed his eyes and focused on his own breathing as he waited for Tony to go on.

“I know everything you said is true. And I appreciate that. But… I can’t count on it.”

Here went the last fragment of Bucky’s fraction of hope.

“Now I have to count on myself. I have a responsibility.” _I have children._ “I… It’s not your fault. You’re just… Not in this with me.”

The resigned look on Tony’s face the soft, shaky exhale of his breath would break Bucky’s heart if it wasn’t already in pieces.

“Tony...” He wanted to fight, wanted to wrap his arms around his Tony, and never let go so either of them couldn’t run away from each other. But the pleading look on Tony’s eyes, the unshed tears matching Bucky albeit for a different reason, spoke of a fight that was already lost. There was nothing left there to fight for.

“Dad! Harley isn’t sharing his ice cream with me!” The shouting of the children replaced Tony’s hurt expression with an apologetic smile, and Bucky wanted to memorize every bend and corner of his face as the realization dawned on him that this would be the last time he would see it. 

His trembling hands were in his pockets. This time he was the one standing still as Tony unlocked the door, went in with small movements that didn’t suit him, and looked at him one last time, mouthing a broken goodbye. Then he closed the door and Bucky shivered in the cold of the night and loneliness.


End file.
